The REAL Birthday Surprise

I just had a very tasty iced coffee from the Black Dog Coffee house, a new fancy coffee place next to where I work. My fingers are jumpy and my words are coming fast. So I figured it’s time to finally tell you about my REAL birthday surprise.

A couple of weeks ago, it was my birthday. You can read about the bulk of the day here.  However, what I didn’t tell you was what happened on the way to Mario and Rebecca’s house.

I’ve been feeling rather old lately, and using all my mental tricks in trying to avoid thinking that way. But since starting this blog I’ve become greatly aware about how much I actually stick my head in the past. Music, TV, comics, radio shows, movies, and even items of news noteworthiness. It’s not that I want to live in another era. Heavens No! We’re in a Golden Age right now of having the ability to reflect back on the entertainment of the past. This is definitely the era I want to live in. It’s just not really the CULTURE I want to live in. And doing things like watching Chevy Chase in his prime on the 1975 season of Saturday Night Live, and then turning around and watching him being cast as the old and out-of-touch guy on the show Community, well… it’s doing things to my head. Chevy is sexy and great and relevant during my lunch on a Saturday, and then old and confused and behind during my Saturday evening TV with Lorie. It happens so fast! We get old so fast.

(37 years between the two shows. Real fast. Community is a fantastic show, by the way. If you’re not watching it, check it out.)

So yeah, I was feeling old that day. I was also very nervous at what Mario and Lorie might have had planned for our birthday surprise.

Lorie and I stopped at the CVS on our way to Mario and Rebecca’s in order to pick up a few things for our overnight stay and get a card for Rebecca. Lorie was intent on picking the card, wanting it to be light and funny and meaningful and touching all at once. She was having a tough time. I walked up, grabbed a card with a hot chick on it, opened it up, and immediately knew we had a winner.

“How about this one?” I showed the card to Lorie.

“No.” Lorie offered a fleeting glance, at best.

“Just open it!” I urged.

Lorie took the card with the hot girl on it and opened it up. Inside was the same picture of the hot girl, only her butt was raised and vibrating like crazy. The song “Shake Your Groove Thing” began to play. Lorie cracked up.

“Okay… you’re right.” She nodded. “This is perfect.”

We took our place in line behind a clueless older woman wasting the cashier’s time, a hurried looking gentleman in front of us, and a meandering security guard that was as tall as my second kid, tops.

That’s when it happened. My REAL birthday surprise.

Lorie and I were chatting and laughing and cutting up in line. With no idea of what was going to happen next, blissfully ignorant in our understanding of the world and our place in it.

I farted.

Loudly.

No… I mean LOUD.

With many many ‘R’s in the middle.

It wasn’t my fault! I had no idea it was coming! It wasn’t some juvenile ploy for attention and laughs. It was a legitimate surprise, the kind of thing that only happens to old people.

The effects were numerous and immediate. Lorie is no good at playing anything off. She hit me in the stomach and hissed my name out. “Chuck! Don’t do that!” The security guard looked my way. She was no doubt considering restraining me and removing me from the premises. However, realizing the logistics involved in storing my gigantic mutant frame in the back of her car, she quickly dropped any such notion. The cashier giggled. The hurried man made no indication anything was amiss and the clueless elderly woman continued to be clueless.

I heard a rumor that the whole thing was captured on the store’s security cameras and aired on the area’s six o’clock news.

Lorie was adamant that I not do it again. I could only offer the meagerest of promises, as I had no idea it was coming the first time. Who knew?!? Not I.

We made our way through the line and to the cashier. I was still blushing and being admonished for my actions when the cashier, with a heavy foreign accent by the way, rang up our birthday card.

“Eight dollar for card!?” The cashier exclaimed.

“Eight dollars?” Lorie whipped around in mid-Chuck-admonishment to face her.

“Hold on now…” I looked up from whatever distraction I was using to avoid looking at anybody.

“Why eight dollar?” The cashier opened the card. The hot girl started to shake her butt and the music started to play. The cashier cracked up. “Ooooh! Sexybutt! You pay eight dollar for sexybutt!”

“Sexybutt” was the catch phrase of the entire remainder of the car ride to Mario and Rebecca’s house. We were giggling like a pair of out of control pre-teeners. (Something we have experience in.) At every stop light, Lorie would stop the car and try to sign Rebecca’s card. Only to open it and not be able to get more than a couple of letters written because of the madly-shaking sexybutt before the light turned green again. We were a giggling, crying mess by the time we arrived at Mario and Rebecca’s.

I started to get nervous again as we approached Mario’s door. My tummy was not being very kind about the whole ordeal. What would pop out at me? What would I be required to participate in over the next several hours?

Rebecca answered the door telling me how disgusting I was. She had just finished reading my FaceBook update about the CVS farting incident.

Thanks,
DCD