The Introduction

I have a buddy. He can be strange sometimes. We love him for it. I don’t want to give you his full name, because that would be rude. Let’s just call him Kranny.

You know who you are, Kranny.

To say that there are a wealth of ridiculous stories surrounding Kranny would be very true. It would also be ignoring the fact that there are a wealth of ridiculous stories surrounding me. I haven't told you very many, but I may have mentioned some. They're the kind of stories that we all have. Various adventures with friends where a certainly level of ridiculousness is bound to come into play. Kranny and I just seem to have more than our fair share.

Kranny and I went to high school together. I've actually known him quite a long time. But the story that's on my mind today is a specific one. It was 1986. It was a time when I was very active in my church youth group, which meant that I hung out with a lot of hot girls. And I was able to eat lunch with them in the cafeteria at school.

One day, Kranny sauntered by and caught my attention. He's a big guy. Shorter than me, but stocky with broad shoulders and a certain square-like shape to his features. He's constantly grinning. And he was grinning today as he motioned for me to come over to him.

I left the lunch table and went over to where he was standing. Just out of sight from the rest of the group. He greeted me with furtive glances, as he stared back at my friends at the table.

"Who's she?" He asked.

I looked to where he was pointing. A petite blonde. "That's Marci." I said. "She goes to my church."

"She's cute." Kranny was looking at me and grinning. There was a pause. Sometimes with Kranny I get that feeling you get with an overly affectionate and enthusiastic pet. The kind of pet who's always grinning and expecting something in return. I subdued the impulse to pet him.

"Yes." I confirmed. "What would you like me to do about it?"

"Introduce me."

"No problem." I relaxed a bit. I had been fearing that we were heading into the realm of intricate shenanigans. But he just wanted an introduction, and that I could handle. I turned to walk back to the table.

"But wait!" Kranny stopped me. "I don't want it to be weird."

This is where things started to unravel. Please understand that I was no better in high school about talking to girls than the average comic collecting geek. The church youth group taught me that I could be in the same room with girls and have conversations with them without the world ending. But I still had no idea how to approach one romantically. And I knew that Kranny had in the past. So I was kind of looking forward to learning from him as I watching him handle the situation with Marci. I was crestfallen when I realized we would be taking the bumbling "Fred and Barney" route to solving the situation.

"Okay." I turned back to him. "What would you like to do?"

"Introduce me to the whole group." Kranny had already devised a plan.

"I can do that. No problem."

"Only don't use my real name." He continued.

I started to get a little confused. I was having trouble following his logic. Someday, I'll introduce you to Kranny and you can have trouble following his logic too. Then you'll know what it's like.

"Okaaaay. What name should I use?"

Kranny looked me square in the eye and said "Steve Austin".

...

"Steve Austin?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"You want to be introduced as the Six Million Dollar Man?" I asked.

"Not as the bionic dude!" Kranny laughed at my silliness. "But Steve Austin. I always liked that name and no one remembers that show anyway."

I'm fairly certain people remember that show. I'm sitting here in 2013 and I know for a FACT that people remember that show. In 1986, it certainly wasn't high on everyone's radar but all the guy friends I knew certainly remembered the show. We lived and breathed that show not even ten years ago.

But... Kranny knew girls better than I did. And she was a girl. And maybe girls didn't remember geeky stuff like favorite TV shows from childhood. Maybe this would work!

I acquiesced. We walked over to the table full of youth group friends and I introduced my pal, Steve Austin.

One of the male youth group members, Brian, slapped his face and shook his head in disbelief.

People muttered general niceties and proceeded to be weirded out. Our plan was not going so well. I started to worry that this incident would impact my general credibility. Kranny sat next to me, smiling and grinning and smiling and trying to make small talk with Marci. Marci picked at her salad and refused to look up at either of us.

I was beginning to think she saw through our carefully crafted ruse. Astonishingly enough. In Kranny's defense, Steve Austin did seem to hook up a lot on that show week after week. Still... maybe we should have gone with Evil Kneivel.

After Kranny was done failing at trying to chat up my friend. He said his goodbye and made his way off to class. Marci was more than a little annoyed with me. "What was that supposed to be, Chuck!?"

"Errrr.... well, my friend just wanted to meet you"

Marci stood up, gathered together her books and her purse, picked up her lunch tray and turned around. After two steps she whirled back at me:

"I KNOW who the stupid Bionic Man is, Chuck!"

She made her way off, leaving me feeling a little foolish at the table.

But, as foolish as I may have been in that moment, I do remember distinctly thinking that she was wrong about one thing. Steve Austin was the Six Million Dollar Man. Lindsey Wagner was the Bionic Woman. There was no 'Bionic Man'. Common mistake.

Later that day, Kranny asked me how it went. Can you guess what I told him?

Thanks,
DCD